Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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