i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I need to align my fucking chakras
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
