Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
