M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Randomize
