can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Randomize
