He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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