Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
