Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I just got carded by a ten year old.
He better not be in your backpack
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Randomize
