Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Randomize
