what day is it and did you see me today?
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
