I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
