I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
