Need sex. Gaining weight.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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