I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I just blew my weed a kiss
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
