Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Randomize
