Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
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the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
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He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes