also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.