how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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