is your mom at the bar?
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
