Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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