When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
