mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize
