I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
