If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Randomize
