Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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