Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
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