Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
