maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
