he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
