a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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