If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
