She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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