fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
ugly people sure do ruin things
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
