ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Randomize
