I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
