If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
