He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I just want to make out with him forever
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
