I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
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