Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
