the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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