I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
