They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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