We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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