so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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