matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
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