If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I've blown a few things in my day
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
