i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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