My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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