Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
