did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
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the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
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We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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