we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
