just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
