Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
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