She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
