just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
