We tried having a conversation with our noses.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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