my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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