Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
