No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
