I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
